whirlwind

Hello.

It's been a few days. Life has been total madness, but in the best possible ways. I've actually been massaging lots, which has been awesome. And has given me money to actually pay my bills (a miracle! a revolutionary idea!). Borders has been fun, still busy, but very social and filled with good peeps.

The biggest news? I AM INTERVIEWING FOR A POSITION TO TEACH ENGLISH ON THURSDAY. On Thursday at noon, I will go to an initial interview to teach high school English. I have to keep repeating it to myself so that I believe it to be real and actually happening. I'm so stinking excited, nervous, frantic, but also so peaceful because I truly believe that this is THE path.

I keep asking myself, "why shouldn't this be happening?". I had a huge breakthrough this weekend. I've blogged poetic on and on about how I want to grow, how things are getting better, and about how bigger things are going on. But a situation I faced made me question if I was behaving as if things were really going to happen, and as if I believed I deserved more. The answer was difficult for me to swallow, because I had to face a hard reality about myself.

From the time I was a young girl, I have been a perfectionist. I always excelled in things I put my mind to (exceptions: math and anything remotely athletic) and I behaved as if I had the world in my hands. I truly believed in myself, and worked my hardest to get what I wanted---and almost always succeeded. Somewhere along this journey, I feel as if that confidence died, and I lost that drive to achieve and get what I wanted.

I am in no way advocating that sort of insessant perfectionism that sucks the life and joy out of you; however, I was forced to admit that I don't always behave as if I believe I can do things. I've grown compacent with certain aspects of my life; things like money problems, having a messy apartment, running late, and being sort of lazy have become commonplace. I've stopped believing that I can and will succeed, and my actions reflect that.

My goal this year is to thrive; however, I've discovered that I need to act as if I already am thriving. I hold so much power---to eliminate my anxieties, to make life easier for myself, to be responsible, and to hold myself accountable. I have the power to take the world by the tail, and to realize my dreams. And that is what I will do.

So, my friends...send me your good vibes and lovin' tomorrow at noon. I know I can knock them dead. Now, it's off to shop for an outfit with my friend Matt and my mom.